I’ve been on the lookout for a gently-used basketball hoop for the kids. After months of scouring craigslist, I was beginning to think I’d never find one. Which led to this exchange…
Me: “You know what, maybe I’ll just break down and buy a new one.”
Anna: “Why don’t you?”
Me: “Well, because it’s kind of a big purchase. I should probably talk it over with Mommy first.”
Without skipping a beat, Anna stepped in with some solid advice.
Anna: “Well, you could always just buy it and tell Mommy to look on the bright side.”
Me: “And what exactly is the bright side?”
Anna: “Now we have a new basketball hoop.”
Brilliant.
Last night, the NFL Draft resumed and the Patriots made a big move. Big enough that I had to tell the kids over breakfast this morning.
Me: “So guys…last night? The Patriots drafted Tom Brady’s replacement.”
Anna: “Replacement? What’s that?”
Me: “It’s the guy who’s going to take Tom Brady’s place when he stops playing football.”
Blank stares. Cereal shoveled into mouths.
Me (cont’d): “His name’s Jimmy Garappolo.”
James: “Huh?!?”
James thought the name sounded funny. Anna had other things on her mind.
Anna: “Why is Tom Brady going to stop playing?”
Me: “Well, because he’s getting older. He’s going to be 40 soon. And when you get older…”
Anna: “You can’t run as fast as the other guys?”
Me: “Well, he already can’t run as fast as the other guys. But he’s a good passer.”
Anna: “Yeah, but he can’t throw the ball and catch it, too.”
Me: “Now you sound like Gisele.”
Silence for a moment. James breaks it.
James: “Who’s Jimmy Gur-flaw-fuh-lo?”
Shaking my head.
Me: “Nobody knows, James. Nobody knows.”
Last night at dinner, I looked down the other end of the table and noticed James was wearing a Captain America t-shirt. Now, I’ve told him all about Superman, but Captain America was new territory. So I asked him about it.
Me: “James, who’s that on your shirt?”
Looking down at his shirt with his mouth full of food.
James: “Captain Laundry Man.”
Me: “Who?”
James: “Captain Laundry Man.”
Me: “Wow. Captain Laundry Man, huh? What kind of super powers does he have?”
Thinking it over. More food shoveled in.
Me (cont’d): “You know…Superman can fly, Spider-Man does the web thing…what does Captain Laundry Man do?”
James: “He does the laundry. Really fast.”
Me: “Of course.”
And there you have it. Captain Laundry Man. One of Marvel’s lesser-known heroes. Saving the world, one perfectly balanced load at a time.
Anna and James took a break from reading a Cars book this morning to make their official picks for Wild Card Weekend in the NFL.
Me: “The first game features the Cincinnati Bengals vs. the Houston Texans. Anna, who do you like?”
Anna: “The Texans.”
Me: “James? What do you think? The Cincinnati Bengals or the Houston Texans?”
James: “Lightning McQueen.”
(Blank stare exchanged between father and son. May have lasted a full minute, who knows?)
Me: “Ok. Let’s see…how about the Minnesota Vikings vs. the Green Bay Packers. Anna, who you got?”
Anna: “Packers.”
Me: “James? Vikings or Packers?”
James: “Vikings.”
Me: “Vikings! Good…”
James: “And Mater, too.”
(Shaking head.)
Me: “Alright, next game is the Indianapolis Colts vs. the Baltimore Ravens. Anna?”
Anna: “The Ravens.”
Me: “James? Colts or Ravens?”
James: “Raisins.”
Me: “Close enough. And finally, we have the Seattle Seahawks vs. the Washington Redskins. Anna?”
Anna: “Redskins.”
Me: “James?”
James: “The ‘Skins.”
And there you have it. Anna took all the home teams, and James went with two characters from the Cars movie and a box of raisins. (Nice dig, though, James. The Baltimore Raisins. I like it.) Happy Wild Card Weekend, everyone. Here’s to football.
Anna and James were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast when I broke news:
Me: “The Celtics lost last night, guys.”
Anna: “Who winned?”
Me: “The Heat.”
She considered this information as she shoveled a spoonful of cereal into her mouth.
Me (cont’d): “That’s the end of their season. No more games.”
Anna perked up a little.
Anna: “Can we watch Tom Brady now?”
Me: “Yeah…yeah, I guess we can.”
Apparently she moves through the seven stages of grief quicker than most.
This morning I was reading the Bible to Anna and James. They wanted to hear the story of Bartimaeus, the blind beggar who received his sight. After I finished reading, Anna and I had this exchange:
Me: “Imagine that? Imagine if Jesus came up to you and said, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ What would you say?”
Anna: “I would ask for a present.”
Me: “A present? What, like the free gift of salvation?”
Anna: “No, like a box of hair clips.”
This morning over breakfast I felt obligated, as usual, to fill the children in on the top news stories from the day before. Stories that will, in some way, impact their young lives. Here’s how it went down:
Me: “Anna, Bill O’Brien…one of the coaches for the Patriots…he’s leaving.”
Anna: “Where’s he going?”
Me: “He took the head coaching job at Penn State. It’s in Pennsylvania.”
Blank stare followed by a slow bite of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Deep in thought.
Me (cont’d): “What do you think about that?”
Anna: “Not good. He belongs to the Patriots. He should go back.”
It’s decided then. I’ll notify Mr. Kraft immediately.
I got up early to put some pork tenderloin in the crock pot this morning. Anna walked into the kitchen, all dressed for church, and caught a glimpse of the raw meat on the cutting board.
Anna: “What’s that?”
Me: “Pork tenderloin. We’re having pulled pork for dinner tonight.”
Anna: “Gross. I don’t like that.” {Long pause} “Yuckadoos.” {Another long pause} “Don’t touch my face with your hands, ok?”
Me: “Ok.”
She turned to leave, but not before craning her neck for one last look.
Anna: “Yuck.”
Loud and clear, Anna. Chicken nuggets it is.
Anna is getting into the holiday spirit a little early this year. I went upstairs to check on her after her nap and found her singing to herself. That led to this exchange.
Me: “What are you doing?”
Anna: “I’m having a Christmas party?”
Me: “A Christmas party? In October?”
Anna: “No, here in Beverly.”
Pfft…obviously. Who even lives in October, Dad?
Anna was in the living room trying to put her pajamas on last night. She was having a little trouble with the top, which led to this…
Anna: “My head is getting so big.”
Me: “You must be growing.”
Anna: “I am growing.”
Me: “Are you going to go off to college soon?”
Anna: “Yeah. I’m gonna go to college and write things and play computers.”
Me: “And we’re going to pay thousands of dollars so you can do this?”
Anna: “Yup.”
Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. That’s pretty much what I did, too.
Stuff My Kid Says 
